THE BIRTH OF THE FOOL
(from the archives, 2000)
Often I find myself standing
outside a crowd silently present yet somewhere else. I feel like I am no part of the
equation. It isn't anyone's fault for
"making" me feel this way.
There are just moments when I don’t feel comfortable in a group.
I think it goes back to when I
was a youngster growing up and not really having any others close by to play
with. During those times I was mostly
alone, and grew comfortable with it.
I submersed myself in books, becoming
the central character in whatever I was reading. My meager experiences were built upon those I
would read about, sharing the adventure.
These lapses of reality still sift through my life.
To escape I also learned to
wander into the woods to listen to the silence, or to fish, or just to watch
the water move slowly downstream.
Stonewalls appearing out of nowhere filled me with joy as I wondered
what the land looked like a hundred years prior, a thousand years prior…
I learned to appreciate simplistic
things. I became fascinated with trails
cut into the forest by who knows who, and when.
I started spending hour upon hour looking at maps, trying to piece
together links from spot to spot along trails I felt only I knew about. I learned patience. I learned to be in a lack of hurry. I lost most sense of urgency.
I can look back and see now that
it wasn't any accident that I tended to wander towards trail running, after
all, where else do you find yourself completely alone for hours on end? Day after day of running loops and out and
backs along the same different piece of rugged New England trails. Where else could I have separated myself from
others so often and have it be acceptable behavior? Where else could I feel so at ease?
The questions that remain are
questions that dog me every day. Did I
discover trail running or it me? Did I
have a choice at any of life's intersections to head in another direction? Was it decided long ago that I would spend
long hours on forest trails and be happy and content doing it?
I am content with the way things
worked out. The simplicity of my youth
has carried on into my middle years. I
consider myself blessed to get so much enjoyment out of the forest, out of
life. The ability to entertain myself
stems from way back, and for those years wandering alone through pastures on
cow paths and along the edge of the tree-lined fields I am thankful. For me, to run on trails is cyclic, like
nature itself. I am not running from
anything but in one big loop that keeps repeating over and over until I am back
at my beginnings.
Whether it was wandering alone as
a child in the Berkshires or as an adult running the linked paths of past
generations, I learned about nature and I learned a lot about me. I learned how to clear my head if needed and
I learned how to lighten my heart when it was heavy. I learned to daydream. I felt ideas flow through me uninterrupted,
too many to ever bloom. I found solitude
and I found friends. Best of all I found
acceptance. No matter what the
situation, I always feel comfortable and a part of the whole big world when
surrounded by forest. I used to wish I
felt as comfortable in a room filled with people, but that has faded away
gradually through the years as I have begun to understand myself more.
It took a while but I can
understand that each of us deals with the same basic issues, they are just
presented differently. I allowed myself
the indulgence of taking the time I need in the woods exploring nature and
myself. I understand the duality of it
being acceptable to be silent in a room filled with people yet thunderous alone
on a mountain top. The fork in the trail
leading to the mountain is the path I have chosen at this point in life, but I
am working on building the confidence for the other.
February 23, 2000